gembira tapi keliru

i received a very good news from one of my best friends, puan pengetua fariza, last two days. she's pregnant with her second child!alhamdulillah,:) i was, and still am very happy to hear the news.seronok ok dgr org pregnant especially when its any of my shah alam besties. two of which are pregnant for the second time. another one's amoy, who was the first to have a baby among us.

and as expected, amoy called me after we received fariza's news and we got to talking. amoy kinda talked me into having another baby right now so that our babies will be of the same age,haha.comel je. she kept saying things like "babe, kite beranak banyak2 je before 30, lepas tu relax je la jaga anak,takyah susah2 fikir nk beranak da babe,". and surprisingly i started to think about having one for myself too.haha. and of course my parents are also hoping that aqeef will soon have a little baby brother or sister kan. and my mom, upon learning about fariza's pregnancy, sgtlah happynya, n nampaklah muka teruja nak suruh aqeef dpt adik ok.

but nope, i'm not ready. insyaAllah kalau ada rezeki, tidaklah kami menolak, but i know deep in my heart that i'm not ready. the main reason would be aqeef.skrg ni pun tak cukup lagi rasanya berkasih sayang dgn aqeef, kesian dia kalau ada adik n terpaksa pula membahagikan kasih sayang utk adik dia pula. skrg pun da sibuk dgn kerja n mcm2 hal, i have to rely on my mum and others to look after him, tak dpt bygkan kalau ada adik mcm mana.

i dont want to be the type of mom yg beranak lebih je pandai, tp org lain yg jaga, beats the purpose of having kids, for me lah. the best part of having kids mestilah the part where u raise them up kan. skrg pun, i beat myself up for not being there 24/7 for aqeef, sgtlah sedihnya bila my mom or my maid yg beritahu pasal aqeef's latest ability ok. so, adik aqeef will just have to wait insyaAllah tahun depan ke kan.

i know ramai org kata ridiculous gila my fear ni, takut tak boleh bahagikan kasih sayang antara anak2 kan. i know, Allah takkan bebankan kita dgn benda yg kita tak boleh tanggung, and of course adik aqeef will also be my baby yg i'll love to bits insyaAllah, but for now suffice to say that saya tak puas lagi memanjakan dan bermanja dgn baby saya kot.

masa before pregnant dgn aqeef dulu pun, i had my doubts jugak, will i be a good mother, boleh tak jaga baby baik2, and mcm2 lagilah. and we decided to wait for a year before trying to have a baby. tapi orang biasalah kan, kalau lepas kahwin, after 2-3 bulan tak berisi lagi, byklah mulutnya kan "ish2, tak berisi lagi?kesian.." , "pegi check doktorlah". n mcm2 lah, n their words got into me and there i was, pregnant after 5 months i got married. i'm not complaining, cause aqeef is the best thing that's ever happened to the both of us, but i hate the fact that i succumbed to what other people say instead of following my own heart.

the morale of the story is, dont just simply follow what others say.just listen to them, consider good and bad points, then only you do things that feels good for u.after all, its your life, kan? whats good for others will not necessarily be good for u kan?

today i say i'm not ready to hv a baby, but tomorrow, who knows kan?;p


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